On Becoming Max…

Dear Clients and Friends of Chicory,

I write to share some personal news.

Chicory’s foundational principles are transparency and authenticity.  In that spirit, I want to share the news that  I have decided to complete my own personal “transformation” and am becoming the visible man that I’ve always known myself to be internally.

Some of you have known me for twenty years or more.  Some of you have never met me in person.  Some of you may be wondering, “Why now?” And some of you may think, “Why did it take you so long?” At 64, one might assume gender identity is no longer alterable.  These would all be reasonable questions.  To answer, let me share a bit of my journey.

To a large extent, I have lived my entire life “in between” genders, though I was aware from a very early age (like 2) that my interiority and my exteriority did not match.   In my generation, the idea of changing genders or even pushing the envelope on gender was not really in the zeitgeist the way it is now. So I did what many like me did: defined myself as a “lesbian”.  We know now that gender is not sexuality, but for me it was a happy coincidence that I was attracted to women.

Thanks to the current generation, I was able, about ten or more years ago now, to name my actual state of being as “trans-ish”.  I added “ish” as I was not sure how far I would go in embracing my interior identity.  At 55 I decided to take a first – and quite decisive—step and have “top surgery”.  It was the absolute best thing I’d ever done for myself and I found it – interestingly – a very “heart opening” experience.  It was, quite literally, as if I could actually SHOW my heart for the first time. I know that might sound odd to some, but I guess it is as simple as being happy in my body for the first time in my life. This comfort allowed me to open and soften my soul.  Anyway – my only regret is that it took me so long.

All that said, it still took me another 8 years to decide to take another step.  As someone socialized as a female in our culture, I have come to have a  conflicted view of testosterone.  It is widely regarded by some in my circles as a bit of a “poison”.  For those of you reading this who were born with it, forgive me and them.  But for some women, testosterone is regarded as the root of patriarchy.  Of course, this is not true, but it has come to be a kind of shorthand.

It IS true that testosterone does indeed create certain physical differences.  I was unsure if it might be “safe” for me to complete my transformation by taking the stuff.   I’m now about 7 months into this experience and am a bit of a “conscious petri dish”  trying hard to watch my mind and heart and guard it to see how this will impact me, and the ones I love so much.  So far,  I can only say that I am experiencing it not at all as a poison, but as a long, lost friend.  And I’m told I am as sweet as ever, maybe sweeter.  I pray it continues.

I have had the privilege, if also the pain, of being socialized as female in this culture, and I am journeying with all of me.  I am not leaving “her” behind, but rather integrating “him” into the life that I have left on this earth.   I feel called into this final chapter of my life to experience my full self.  When I look in the mirror I want to be able to recognize myself.

Thank you for reading all of this and for bearing witness to this turning point in my life.  If at any time you want to talk one on one with me about this, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  And if you have questions or curiosities, please don’t be afraid to express those as well.  I am seeking a way to live my best life, fully and completely.  I want the same for all of you.  And I want to be a source of light and care and compassion for all who share that desire in whatever, very individual way, we all must seek it.

Peace,

Max

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